The Cat Fancier's Dictionary

Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) was an American satirist, short- story writer, and journalist celebrated for his cynical wit and macabre stories about warfare, horror, and death. (Themes with which cat breeders have more than a passing familiarity.) His best-known work was The Devil's Dictionary (1906), a collection of irreverent definitions for more than 1,000 words. To wit: Happiness, n, an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. Corporation, n, an ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility. Sabbath, n, a weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.

Bierce disappeared in Mexico in 1914, having set out the year before, at the age of 71, to report on Pancho Villa's revolution. Inspired by his example, I set out to gather definitions for The Cat Fancier's Dictionary. Here are some sample entries.

Benching request, n, a tactical maneuver employed by exhibitors with a devout interest in social climbing, self-preservation, or both.

Blow, v.int, what a cat does when it turns ballistic in the ring and goes after a judge the way dictators go after dissidents.

Contract, n, attempted legalese in which the party of the first part--through utter disregard of the first and other amendments-- seeks to hog-tie the party of the second part in a transaction involving a cat.

Designer cage curtains, n, a triumph of platitude over practicality whereby once-utilitarian items have been elevated to the status of status symbols. Spiritual kin to the velvet Elvis painting, designer cage curtains sometimes cost more than the cats they surround.

Directions to the show hall, n, in legal parlance, sufficient cause for justifiable homicide. No jury has ever convicted a person for assaulting the committee member who put together the directions to the show.

Discretionary income, n, what an exhibitor has left for the mortgage, the kids' orthodontist, and the utility bills after paying for entry fees, plane fares, and the dinners charged to credit cards at the last four shows.

Disinfectant, n, a sacramental ointment used by judges to wash their hands of their decisions.

End-of-row benching, n, prime show-hall real estate paid for by exhibitors who are incapable of ignoring people on both sides of them at once.

Entry clerk, n, a person of questionable judgement who suffers fools, phone calls, and inane questions, though not always gladly or with grace.

Fresh water, n, a lukewarm, murky substance located at least one quarter of a mile and two doorways from an exhibitor's benching cage.

Gate, n, a collective noun applied to a collection of individuals at least half of whom interrupt your grooming to announce earnestly that they "have a cat who looks just like that at home."

Genetics, n, an arcane, tedious discipline--little understood yet much discussed by cat breeders--the knowledge of which has nothing to do with producing a good cat. Unlucky breeders resort to genetics to explain their failure; lucky breeders embrace it to explain their success. Both are generally wrong.

Hand, n, an appendage, with an opposable thumb, provided by Providence so that exhibitors will have something to write their cats' entry numbers on that they won't be able to misplace.

Household pet class, n, a congregation of cats of allegedly unknown origins who sometimes outnumber their pedigreed cousins at a show.

Itcouldgoeitherway, phrase, a plea of nolo contendere entered by a judge who is about to do something that a goodly percentage of the audience is sure to disagree with.

Judges' dinner, n, a secular version of the Last Supper in which the haves are pursued by the would-haves. An enterprise to which the average exhibitor is not always invited despite the fact that he or she is subsidizing at least part of the dinner with an entry fee.

Judging table, n, a place where fleas, mats, ear mites, and suspicious-looking bald spots miraculously appear on a cat for the first time in its life.

Lunch break, n, an interval in which exhibitors repay judges for their many transgressions by asking them questions while they're trying to eat.

Master clerk, n a person with a keenly developed tolerance for drudgery, a head for transcribing figures under extreme duress, and a determination to become a judge at any cost. A fondness for self-flagellation and hairshirts may be substituted for the judging fixation.

Novice exhibitor, n, a natural mutation of the human species. Equal parts "gee-golly" enthusiasm and endless questions.

Pedigree, n, a document listing the known (or alleged) ancestors of a cat. Much studied by persons with a fondness for cryptograms.

People food, n, what exhibitors subsist on at shows. Differs from cat food in that the latter must conform to certain government standards.

Politics, n, why your cat was defeated by a cat belonging to someone on the show committee.

Prepotent, adj, what a male cat automatically becomes after he's produced one good litter with a mediocre, outcross female.

Public address system, n, an instrument of torture that argues (loudly) on behalf of selective repression of freedom of speech.

Raffle, n, legalized petty larceny, sanctioned by a show committee, in which children are authorized to shake down their elders in the spirit of trick or treat.

Rival associations, n, benighted assemblies with no redeeming social value where the cats are inferior, the judges incompetent, and the exhibitors eat their young.

Rosette, n, a garish wall covering. Prized and collected by cat fanciers the way scalps were prized and collected by certain warlike tribes.

Showable breeder, n, a cat with a better chance of producing a grand champion than defeating one. Distinguished from the garden variety breeder by its price.

Show bath, n, a painful and needlessly complicated cleansing process which removes a quantity of dirt and hair from a cat, multiplies it by ten, mixes it with steam and powder, and applies it to every surface in a room.

Show committee, n, the ship of state or the ship of fools, depending on who's at the helm and how treacherous the sharks in the surrounding waters are.

Show flyer, n, what the serpent had concealed inside the apple that he offered to Eve.

Standard, n, a work of fiction that artfully combines the exactitude of the Constitution with the literary flair of a blueprint. Difficult to read, nearly impossible to apply, and frequently ignored by judges.

Starting time, n, a mythical moment that most frequently occurs between 60 and 90 minutes before the first class of the day is called.

Steward, n, an underage (and duress) member of the juvenile set wearing at least one item of clothing you have never seen before and looking after a bunch of cats he or she hopes never to see again.

Third call, n, the earliest call heeded by those exhibitors who believe that the last shall be first as long as the judge sees them putting their cats in the ring.

ThisisthewayIseeittoday, phrase, a porous disclaimer that judges use when they aren't convinced of the moral certitude of their decisions and suspect that you aren't going to be either.

Tiebreakers, n, what a judge does to stall for time and pray for guidance when itcouldgoeitherway. These services are usually conducted just before a judge intones, thisisthewayIseeittoday.

Titer, n, a number that--when squared and divided by 10,000-- reveals your chances (expressed as a percentage) of wiping out your entire cattery if you buy the cat whom the titer describes.

Trainee, n, an extremely nervous individual who holds up the progress of a show while trying to guess how the judge is going to hang the ribbons in a particular class.

Wednesday, n, the first day of the week on which exhibitors regain full use of their faculties. Unfortunately, the day of the week on which exhibitors begin preparing for their next show.