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5.2 TOYS

Any small item, such as Q-tips, is a potential toy. If a human [Image] tries to confiscate it, this means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away anyway. Watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. Below are listed several types of Cat toys.

1. Bright shiny things like keys, brooches or coins should be hidden so that the other Cat(s) or humans can't play with them. They are generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors. When in the kitchen, the object is to eventually slide the toy under the refrigerator or stove "goals" and then attempt to get the human to retrieve it for you so you can do it again.
2. Dangly and/or stringlike things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains, dental floss, and rubber bands also make excellent toys. They are favourites of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at all costs. Take care, though. Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your Dignity. Note that playing with shoelaces when the human is trying to tie them is another form of Hampering. Fishing poles with small toys attached are favourites of humans who want to destroy Dignity, because they are just so hard to resist. Beware the tactic of the human spinning around in circles while you charge vainly after the toy, especially if you are on a smooth floor and can't get good traction. Respond to hilarity by baleful stares and washing yourself, then walk by the toy with your nose in the air. Then leap on it when the human isn't suspecting. It works every time.
3. Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same colour as the bag, so they are hard to see, but you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note: any other Cat you may find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice is fair game for a Sneak Attack, which will usually result in a great Tag match.
4. A somewhat risky approach to catching Bag Mice utilizes the Bag Slide. This is accomplished by performing a classic crouch (including full butt-wiggle) 5-6 feet from the mouth of the bag, then charging into the bag at full speed, causing the bag to skitter a great distance across a wooden floor (Note: This does NOT work on wall-to-wall carpet!) CAUTION: Be prepared for a significant impact with walls, chairs, etc. if you've really built up your momentum!
5. Ignore anything that appears to be a store-bought Cat toy. After all, in the old days, Cats had to fashion their own toys. Store-bought toys are an affront to a "real" Cat. However, if the toy appears to be interesting, you may wait until the humans are sleeping before you play with it (but be sure to keep quiet so they don't figure out you actually like it).
6. Some cats find ice cubes to be great toys, as they can slide across smooth floors for great distances. Ice cubes can only be obtained from the freezer (it is *not* recommended that you try to fish any from drinks!) if you pester a human while he/she is getting something from it. Once the new toy is released into your custody, it's play time! Be careful not to lick it though as you may find it sticks to your tongue!
7. Your human is more likely than not to have other humans come to visit. Sometimes they will all just sit around and talk, which is great because you have the opportunity to get lots of extra attention (see GUESTS). However, sometimes they'll set up some sort of game and start playing, which is not so great because they aren't noticing you. Many human games (and all jigsaw puzzles) have lots of little pieces, and are really Cat Toy Bonanzas, but the humans will not want to share them with you for some reason. If they are playing on the floor, rectification of this injustice is relatively straightforward. You can charge across the board scattering pieces everywhere and snatch one in the confusion. The subtle approach, where you act really friendly to one of the humans so you can get close to the board and then snitch one, requires more patience. If you have a partner who can create a diversion, say by running across the board as in the first case, you can then zip in during the uproar and snitch a piece while the humans are distracted. A third option is to just plop yourself down in the middle of the board and say "Pet me!". With luck, a piece or two will get stuck in your fur (especially if you're long-haired) and you will have a new toy when you're ejected from the board.
8. Playing on a table presents a greater challenge, as the board is much more inaccessible. Try ingratiating yourself by curling up on a lap, and occasionally sticking your head over the table edge to see what's going on and perhaps try to knock a piece or two off the table with a paw. Jumping on the table is risky but potentially rewarding, as the humans may not expect such chutzpah (or chutzpaw in your case). If a corner of the game board extends over the table edge, you can stand on your hind legs and reach for it; if successful you could bring a whole avalanche of toys down!
9. Unfortunately, all of these actions are liable to make the humans very angry, so you'd better have a safe place to run with your toy, unless you're a Hedonist (see CAT CLUBS) and enjoy playing fast and loose with your life by baiting the humans. This activity also counts as HAMPERING.

6. SUPERVISING (a.k.a. HAMPERING)

It is well known that humans are incapable of performing even the simplest of tasks without feline supervision and/or assistance. This supervision is absurdly known by the humans as "Hampering". If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and any others are idle, stay with the busy one. It would take a large book to describe all of the activities which need to be supervised, so only a condensed list is presented below.

1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. unless you can lie across the book itself.
3. For television watchers, be sure to settle down in their laps just before a commercial break when they're most likely to want to get up and do something.
4. For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure the maximum amount, or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to Hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
5. For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim: to Hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
6. Speaking of Christmas, this annual event presents many opportunities to Hamper. When the human is trying to wrap presents, go for the Paper Mice which hide under the wrapping paper that is on the floor. Do your best to shred their hiding places. Ribbons also make great toys! Be sure to attack the loose ends as the humans struggle to wrap their presents in spite of you. If there are any bows, try to steal them and run under the bed with them. If the human does not give chase (thinking he/she will "sacrifice" one for the sake of peace and quiet), go back and steal another! Snitch the gift tags before the human can put them on the presents, or for more fun, after they put them on. Watch out for sneaky distraction tricks like putting Scotch tape in your fur! Climbing up and lurking in the Christmas tree is also fun (though beware the sticky sap that some have) and makes for a good hiding place, provided you can stay still and not knock off any ornaments. Tinsel garlands make great toys (but not good food). Ornaments are not such great toys, however, because they break into lots of sharp pieces which can cut your feet (not to mention incite yelling fits in the humans).
7. When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump at the back of the paper. They love surprises.
8. As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs; when they have something in their arms; in the dark; and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
9. If your female (or sometimes male) human is trying to arrange her/his hair in the morning, and if it is long enough, treat it like you would any other strings. Try to bat, grab, and generally attack it. Steal any elastics or "scrunchies" that the human might wish to use to tie down her/his hair and duck under the bed with them. This only works if the human isn't intelligent enough to have a couple of "sacrifice" scrunchies which you are allowed to steal with only token resistance. Once you twig onto this tactic, try standing in front of the mirror or jumping onto your human's head or shoulders. This should get you evicted from the room and you can spend the rest of the time meowing piteously at the door.
10. Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around. See the Bed Hog Club under CAT CLUBS for a suggestion.
11. When a human is attempting to "make the bed", hop on it and curl up in the middle, or pounce on the sheet the human is trying to rearrange. If the human tries to ignore you by covering you with the sheets, move around and try to mess things up. Protest loudly when you're evicted.
12. Suitcases always mean that your human is about to abandon you, so it is important to prolong the packing process as much as possible. As soon as one is opened up, jump in and curl up for a nap or chase your tail and/or attack items put inside. It is of paramount importance to shed as much hair as possible during the Hampering process to make sure other Cats (and humans) know that your human is already owned.
13. Laundry presents many opportunities to Hamper (hence the other name for the laundry basket--the laundry hamper). Laundry fresh from the dryer is a perfect bed, since it is warm and soft. As soon as it is put on the bed for sorting, arrange yourself for a nap. If the human removes you, keep returning until the laundry isn't warm anymore. Now it's play time. Pounce on anything the human tries to move around for folding, especially socks and nylons. For added fun, grab a sock and hide under the bed.
14. When a human is working at a computer, s/he isn't paying attention to you. Fortunately, this problem is easy to remedy, but persistence is critical because humans seem to hold the computer in ridiculously high regard. You can easily obstruct the human's view of the screen with your beautiful tail, or if it's low enough, with your even more beautiful body. Trampling or sprawling on the keyboard is always good for some attention as well. Pay special attention to the keys marked "Esc", "Del", and "Brk". If you need to nap while supervising your human, good places are the keyboard, on top of the plastic thing with the cord that the humans laughably call a "mouse", or on the human's arms. If the human insists on removing you from these choice locations, there's always the lap. If possible, while in the lap try to drape yourself on one of the human's arms. Also feel free to knock pens, papers, diskettes, Post-It notes, and anything else accessible onto the floor. Should you decide that the human has spent enough time at the computer, you must draw him/her away from it. Hop onto the nearest table, counter, or shelf that is within sight of the computer table and begin to knock things off, one at a time. Terrorize any birds if your human has them. Fight noisily with the other four-foots in the house or get into particularly destructive Tag games, and so on. Bear in mind that these sorts of shenanigans will likely enrage the human, so you had better have a safe haven to run to when he/she comes charging in after you.
15. High-tech devices create the possibilities for high-tech Hampering, such as the computer example above. Many of the humans' entertainment devices like TVs, VCRs, and stereos have flat rectangular doodads with lots of buttons on them called "remote controls", which are often left on coffee tables which are part of your patrol rounds. You can do the obvious (i.e. hide them), but it is a well-established fact that all those little buttons are great for massaging your feet. Be sure to trample them thoroughly for the best effect! If they are pointed towards the things they control, you can also get the machines to turn on, make timer lights flash, generally scramble things up, and in short, Hamper! Sometimes your actions will have undesireable side effects, such as a sudden, terrifying blast of noise from a stereo or TV (which may lead to a terrifying blast of noise from the humans, especially if you do this in the early morning!). If this happens, run and hide under the bed and wait it out. Answering machines are also good to walk on. Trampling on certain buttons will make interesting things happen, and possibly Hamper by making messages disappear.
16. If your human is talking on the telephone (and hence not giving you the required 100% Undivided Attention), be sure to demand attention by standing on the base and trampling as many buttons as possible, or the big one that hangs up the line if you can.
17. Help your human clean the apartment by walking across and thoroughly inspecting each surface as s/he finishes dusting it. Pay particular attention to glass-top tables.
18. Guidelines for where to sit or lie down.

1. It is considered bad form to lie on the bare floor, couch, or bed. An exception is made for the human's favourite chair, which you are allowed to sit on no matter what (or who) is there.
2. On a bed, there will often be laundry or clothes lying there. It is your duty to lie on them to get your beautiful fur on them. If there is a choice, choose either the cleanest item or the item which contrasts most strongly with your fur. If your human protests, act cute.
3. It is also your duty to lie in an area that makes your human contort to the greatest extent if s/he wishes to share the bed/couch with you.
4. Even resting on a book or a newspaper on the floor is preferable to just lying on the floor. Newspapers are particularly important to sleep on if your human has them on the floor for his/her reading convenience.
5. Select a chair to sleep on that Hampers your human the most. For example, if your human is doing a craft on the kitchen table to prevent your interference, it is your duty to take a nap on the chair your human would like to be sitting in. No other chair at the kitchen table will do.
6. If kicked off any preferred seating, it is of critical importance that you not immediately go about your business. You must either sit still for a time, washing yourself to save face, or lie on the floor to make your human feel guilty, and let him know you're waiting for the chair. If the human cheats by moving your resting chair and/or sitting in a different one (in a situation such as the kitchen table example above), you may be able to continue Hampering by jumping into the human's lap. If the human has to get up to get something, and dumps you off (if you've elected to take the lap option), immediately occupy the chair, curl up to enjoy the warmth, and look smug. Of course, the human will just switch chairs or throw you off again. This game can be played for hours.

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