Continued from page 4
11.6 ORGANIZATION
Let's face it, humans are a disorganized lot. They need constant supervision in order to get things done right and on time, such as feeding their masters, retrieving lost toys, etc. Humans also need assistance in keeping their masters' home organized. They have to be continually reminded that things belong on the floor, not on shelves, bookcases, tables or dressers where accessing them may be inconvenient for their masters. It will be up to you to keep your household properly organized. Feel free to take items such as pens, buttons, waste paper (such as the stuff they call "tax return"), and unsuitable toys and relocate them to better spots, such as the water bowl, under the stove, or down the hot-air ducts (humans are always grateful if you do this with tax returns). This should be done when the humans aren't around, as they will always interfere. When the human discovers your handiwork, he will praise you with such words as "Damned Cat!" and "You little monster!"; however this praise is usually best accepted from under the bed until the human finds something else to get excited about.
11.7 SUBSTITUTES
Occasionally your humans will want to go away on a "vacation" or "trip" and, knowing that you hate travelling, will want to leave you behind. The choice of boarding at the vet's or a kennel is to be avoided at all costs, which implies that you have to find another human in the neighbourhood who will be willing to look after you when your humans are away. This is usually not hard to do when you're able to patrol the neighbourhood, but if you're a house or apartment Cat, you'll be stuck with whatever human your humans can find.
In most respects, the substitute performs the same functions as the [Image] regular human, i.e. feeding, changing the litterbox, and perhaps even playing with you. Since most substitutes don't know your feeding habits, try extra hard to get more food. A few minutes after you've cleaned out your dish, go into "feed me" mode again. Be especially piteous, using the Big Soulful Eyes, low moans, extra head-butting and rubbing, Meaningful Stares at the empty dish, and all the other tricks that sometimes work on your more hard-hearted regular humans.
If the substitute performs poorly, like showing up late for your feeding times, let your regular humans know your displeasure with the usual punishment, like wetting the bath mat, clawing furniture, etc.
11.8 TELEVISION AND OTHER ENTERTAINMENT
Humans exercise very poor judgment in entertaining themselves, for example, in the amount of time they spend watching that inexplicable object, the television. They may be permitted to watch a reasonable number of hours of television per week (if they are getting their homework and chores, such as feeding, petting and litter-changing, done) but the responsible cat will not allow excessive television, will not use the television as a babysitter, and will supervise its humans' viewing choices. The loving cat will try to improve its humans' taste by walking on the cable box to change the channel to a more appropriate show. If there is really nothing good on, it may be advisable to order something from Pay-Per-View by walking on the cable box. Other opportunities to Hamper exist with other high-tech toys, as listed above. Participation in the humans' board games is also listed under HAMPERING.
11.9 CHILDREN
Children, also known as mini-humans, are two-legged Cat Hazards until they are about the age of 4, by which time they will have been suitably trained in proper behaviour towards their masters. Until this time, they are best avoided unless they are properly restrained in cribs, playpens, swings, or other mobility-reducing gadgets, due to their tendency for grabbing tails or other extremities, unpredictable howling, screaming, and occasionally vomiting, falling down (with you being seen as a potential cushion) and more often than not noxious aromas. If you are in a household with a mini-human, it is a good idea to have hiding spots scouted out in every room to which you can dash if in a hurry. If you live with, or are, a Fraidy Cat, then these spots will already be marked (and if not, you'll soon find out where Fraidy Cats come from). Practice vanishing at the sound of "Ba-ba-ba KITTY!". Spend time enjoying the fresh air outdoors. But don't scratch, bite, or attack the mini-human unless you are in the presence of one of the big humans and know they have seen an atrocity committed to your Dignity. Otherwise you will always be blamed. Do not allow jealousy at the decrease in the amount of attention you get to you, just be more ingenious in getting it for yourself by increasing Hampering activities. Steal diapers and run with them when the mini-human is being changed, knock over the bottles of baby stuff, and do whatever you can to get any milk the baby gets.
You can have fun with children if they are in a restraining device by standing just out of reach and "talking" to them or washing yourself. Lurking under the high chair can often be rewarded by free food, however, and once the mini-human is sufficiently developed you can even occasionally cooperate with him/her to steal more food. Overall, patience, steady nerves, and good hiding places will get you through the dangerous times.
12. VETS AND MEDICINE
The vet is the person to whom your human will take you when you are sick. The place smells funny, there are usually other Cats and dogs in the waiting room, and awful things like needles and pill prescriptions will happen there. The usual result is that you will get better, which is good, but you just can't let those humans Cathandle you. The following are some tips for dealing with vets and medicine.
- Unless you are really sick, when you see the carrier come out, run and hide somewhere inaccessible, such as under the bed or behind a couch. Once the human finally grabs you, struggle gamely. Splay your legs out so that it is difficult to cram you into the carrier. If the human is trying to put you in with another Cat, try to allow the other Cat to bolt out the door. In the car, meow plaintively all the way down to the vet's. If possible, reachthrough the bars of the portable prison and try to claw the human as s/he drives. At the vet's, splay your legs and brace yourself against the carrier's walls if you can so that they can't dump you out easily.
- If you are well enough, you must resist attempts to feed you pills or any liquid medicine. As soon as you hear the pill bottle rattle, hide as in part a). Resist attempts to open your mouth. Squirming is good. Once the medicine is in, try to spit it out, preferably by shaking your head vigorously. If the humans manage to get the pill into to your mouth and are still holding you waiting for you to spit it out, swallow, but keep the pill in your mouth. Then after being let go, find a suitable hiding place and spit it out. Make sure that the humans do not find the hiding place, so they think that you took the pill. Don't use the same hiding place twice. Refuse any food that looks or smells like it may have had medicine sprinkled on it. Unfortunately, humans can be REALLY unfair and put it in tuna. In this case, accept grudgingly. Look aggrieved after the medicine session is over.
13. ILLNESS
- If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.
- When you get sick in the house, you should hover around the general area until a human spots the mess. You should act as if you are guarding the stuff for the human and then quickly vacate the room.
- If taken outside, you should take every opportunity to scarf down as much grass as possible (while not being spotted). After ingesting a "critical mass" amount, whine and scratch at the door to be let back in the house. After entering the house head for the traditional illness locations and let it rip.
- If the urge strikes at night when your human is asleep, you can retch as loudly as possible so that the human will wake up. That failing, choose a location where the human's bare foot is likely to find it. They don't see very well in the morning and need assistance in locating the mess. If the human has neglected you by leaving (see MORNINGS), cover the fruits of your labours with whatever is handy, such as papers from the desk. That way you can soil another object besides the carpet.
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